It only takes something small to make you realise something bad has happened. I don’t know if its an instinct or a habit or a skill when all of a sudden you are aware something is wrong. You hear something small, you see something almost invisible but it isn’t right. I was about to put something into my wardrobe when i realised the bad thing had happened. I heard two voices and a sob. A sob which i had heard so many times before and the exact sob i made for the whole of September. The sob which compliments the sensation in your stomach which makes you wince with pain. This sob makes you look away from the mirror, because your eyes are so red and you can’t see properly. You are relieved when you finally fall to sleep at night, not because you are physically tired but because your mind can’t take it any more. It can’t keep analysing it over and over again and it can’t keep questioning what you did wrong. Wiktoria made this very sob. I ran out of my room and saw her talking to Demi and saw the eyes, felt the stomach pain myself and wanted to cry for her. She could barely speak and she had to say that it was over. I saw it coming. I don’t mean that in a mean way at all, but she saw it coming too and didn’t want to admit it.
Signs of the break-up.
Sign 1: You don’t see them anymore. It takes 4 hours at least to text you back. He cancels your plans because “his car needs a service” ( this was the latest excuse which Wiktoria heard). This sign is one which can be ignored by you but is seen by everyone else. When she told me about it and explained to me that she thought maybe she was being selfish, maybe it was asking too much for her boyfriend to see her for the first time in three weeks, i just remembered standing there on the phone, crying, asking Rachel why did he not want to even talk to me? But maybe, I was being too pushy and maybe HE was really busy and everything else HE had to do was more important than ME. It seems that way to you but your friends look at you and think why the
hell would you let anyone make you feel this way?
Sign two: The text. The change of relationship status on facebook ( one reason why i support a certain someone’s view that facebook does not bring any happiness into your life). The phone call. The “meeting”. The nothing. Wiktoria got the text, probably the worst one out of the list apart from the nothing. She got a text which told her that he was too busy with work to have a girlfriend, yet he wasn’t busy four months ago when he took her out all of the time, wanted to be with her, “couldnt live without her”. This sign clarifies that it is over and sometimes you know before it and sometimes you really don’t. Sometimes it makes the stomach, eyes and sob worse but sometimes it is actually a relief and they start to feel slightly better. It depends, but this sign is always bad and for someone who couldnt even bother to TELL YOU in voice/person that this thing is “over”, it will be something that haunts them forever.
Sign three: The aftermath. The aftermath of a breakup is always what i am scared of but also what i look forward to the most. Yes so you sit in front of the tv and eat slices of peanut butter on toast and drink litres of tea while hugging your cat. Yes your friends have never seen you look so pathetic and actually don’t even know what to say anymore ( by the way friends, this is ok, I just don’t want to be alone and I appreciate the Twilight books and 3 boxes of maltesers). Who cares if you have to admit that you like the morning time the best because you wake up and for three seconds you forget what happened? This aftermath is therapeutic. The longest this has lasted for me was roughly three months. No i didn’t do the things above daily and it got a lot better but that underlying feeling stayed with me until this second stage of the aftermath happened. The second stage is the epiphany moment when you realise that you are over them. You can look at them without hate, love, fear, sadness or any other stupid emotion which are all equally as lethal. You are over them. The break up chain is over and it is all just a distant memory, one which you will never forget.
While writing this i felt like i went through it all over again. I look back and feel that sadness but at the same time i feel upset and disappointed that i would let someone make me feel like that-you don’t need anyone to make you happy. I remember standing down Old Aberdeen Road and looking across the fields, trying to wipe the mascara off my cheeks before i went home so my mum didn’t see me crying and thinking “why the fuck am i crying?” i .do.not.want.to.cry.anymore. But clearly something inside me wanted to. It wanted to in order to show that you will not do this again. You will not let someone do this to you again. I can hear Wiktoria cough from crying and want to go in to her room and tell her again that it will feel better in time However, she will discover this by herself.
How awful must it be to move to a new country, be away from your family and friends and fall in love with someone who won’t even give you the decency to tell you to your face that he no longer wants to be with you? Pretty awful. I understand this is a learning process but it still feels unfair, and that instinct comes back again and makes you want to be able to suffer for her. Why can’t it just happen to you instead of her? Because it happens to all of us, and when its happened badly once you at least know you will survive the next time.
For all those believers in love which never dies, I think we have proof in this flat that it does. Love will die if it has to and some peope do not deserve to be loved any longer. But those people who do deserve to be loved, will be loved forever. I just hope that Wiktoria finds that and that they find her because she is lovely.
Wiktoria this is for you. Please stop crying now.I also suggest listening to Since you’ve been gone by Kelly Clarkson and settling down with a gingerbread latte and a caramel waffle which watching Friends in bed. And i hope no one makes you or me cry ever again x